Oh Dear God, No

To:    Dog
From:  Cat
Date:  April 26, 2011
Re:    Royal Wedding


Dog:


I previously knew nothing of this generation's royal coupling, so I would firstly like to condemn you to Hell for making me aware of it.  This Kate Middleton girl is cute.  I like her hats, as they frequently are adorned with feathers, and I enjoy shredding feathers.


But having Wikipedia'd her, I notice that she is the daughter of common folk.  Her parents were both flight attendants, and apparently her father wasn't gay.  That was before they started a mail-order company selling party supplies.  At first I couldn't believe anyone as cunning a ruler as Her Royal Highness would even allow such a pairing, and then I saw it:  


If my grandson resembled an adult film producer, I'd rush to find a pairing with a woman far removed from the royal family, too.  Genetic diversity is the spice of life.


As for your party, you must be fucking crazy if you think I'm waking up at 5 o'clock in the morning to partake of tasteless, flat, round sponges and greasy sticks of battered fish and potatoes.  In the real world Prince William would be just another balding, middle-management-type, and Kate would reside in a two-story cottage in Essex with her husband, Edward, a local real estate agent, and their three children.


Cat

How Romantic!

Dear Cat:


Have you heard the amazing news? Prince William and his soulmate are going to get married this weekend! This is just what the world needs more of: LOVE! Looking at these two, the promising look in their eyes...I can tell they're going to make it!


I'm going to hold a little party in their honor, and I really hope you can make it. Remember, the ceremony starts at Westminster Abbey at 11:00 a.m. THEIR time, so we'll need to start the festivities at around 5 a.m. OUR time. We're going to have crumpets and scones and fish and chips and TEA! It will be amazing; we'll be witnessing history!


Just R.S.V.P. by Thursday morning so I know how many crumpets to order, k?!


Cheerio,
Dog

What's Yours Is Now Mine

To:     Dog
From:   Cat
Date:   April 13, 2011
Re:     My new toy


Dog:


I own you.  You and your green chew toy.


Suck it,
Cat

Did You See That?

To:     Human
From:   Cat
Date:   April 13, 2011
Re:     Last Night's Savage Attack


Human:


I take it that you have forgiven Dog, as it's still living amongst us. That's fine, because I know you would never let her kill me; god forbid you actually had to clean up that mess (or any other mess, really).


And you can't blame me for what happened.  Who the hell knew she was so touchy about being called fat (for the record, I muttered the word "chubby" under my breath, which in some cultures is considered a compliment).


But you know what?  This harrowing experience has taught me that I need to be a nicer cat.  A cat that loves cuddles.  You know you love this face.


xoxo,
Cat

OMG Don't Hate Me!

Dear Cat:


I don't know what to say, and you know me, that is something like, totes unheard of!  All I remember was I was chewing on a rawhide chip (those are like, my favorite-ist things EVER) and you walked up to me.  Remember, I told you before I have some food aggression issues and I don't like it when you try to touch my food while I'm using it?  Well BOO-ya bitch, you believe me now!?  Ahem...I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from.


Anyway, there's no excusing my behavior, and I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry!  I really hope I didn't hurt you, because if I did I would be so sad!  I feel just TERRIBLE!  See?  Look at my face: I'm heartbroken.  I know you like smelling me and my food (and I don't know why, exactly, but as people say, "different strokes for different folks" or something like that), so I'll try super duper hard next time to control myself, I promise!


Let's work things out,
Dog


P.S. - I also think I might have heard you call me a 'fatty' while I was enjoying my rawhide, but that must have just been my imagination, right?

Consequences

To:        Human
From:      Cat
Date:      4/10/11, 8:00 a.m.
Re:        Feeding times


Dear Human:


I require sustenance.  I will scream until you feed me.  If that doesn't work, I will smash my small head into your face repeatedly.


Bow to me,
Cat


P.S. - I ate your basil plant. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Happy Sunday!

Hello, my favorite human!


What a wonderful, sunny day!  I know it's kind of early and you were up late last night, so I can't thank you enough for waking up and feeding me my favorite breakfast!  You are just the best. Have you lost weight?


And don't worry about taking me for a walk until after you've had your coffee (Sister, we have ALL had those mornings, am I right?!  Hahaha).  As you may have noticed, I'm able to control my bladder for extended periods of time without even a THOUGHT of tinkling on your beautiful, apartment-grade, beige, wall-to-wall carpet.  You may have searched high and low for wood or concrete floors in the greater Austin, TX area, but I can't tell you how happy I am that you settled for this home.  And the wall in the dining room that is affixed with paneled mirrors?  HEAVEN.  I know you think it's totes Miami Beach circa 1992, but honey...as they say in some other country I've never been to, C'est magnifique!


Wow, I really need to work on like, FOCUSING more.  But like I said...you take your time this morning.  I know how hard you work.  Sunday is YOUR day.  Relax.  I can hold it.


Wuv youuuuuu,
Dog

*Smile!*

Dear Cat:

Ever since the first day I moved in, I feel like you’ve had something against me.  I know how hard it is meeting new animal-people; I mean when I walk around with our human I get really like, excited, and stuff, when like, I see another dog, and like that dog wants to play and I’m like, “I want to play, too” but then our human is like, “no, we’re here to exercise, not sniff each others’ butts” and like...umm...where was I?  Oh, right.  Meeting new animal-people can be really difficult, and I know what your going through.

I just wanted to thank you for sharing you’re space under our human's bed with me, even though I know you were there first.  Also, I really like my food, so I would appreciate it if like, you could maybe...you know...NOT eat it?  That would be really awesome.  It would also be awesome if we could like, be friends, and like, hang out on the veranda on nice, sunny days and like, watch people walk down on the ground because like, our human totes picked out an awesome home, didn’t she?  I mean, wall-to-wall carpet for our feet to walk on and our fur to cling to?  Am I right?  Huh?!

So yeah, I’m totes up for being friends if your up for being friends.  You can even smell me at your leisure and I promise I’ll stand really still so I don’t frighten you.  Srsly, because if you move quickly I can’t promise you I won’t try and chase you and like, the last time I chased you because you moved quickly (and you do, you DO move quickly, you are like the quickestmovingcatEVER!) and then like, our human yelled at me, and like, I totes don’t like being yelled at because it makes me feel like a MAJORLY bad dog, you know?

Anyway, I really hope we can be BFFs! K, Baiiiii!

Peace,

Dog

MEMO #1

To:        Human
From:      Cat
Date:      April 9, 2011
Re:        Dog


Dear Human:

Please tell Dog I don’t wish to speak with it.  

Best,

Cat

P.S. - You might also think about educating the dog on the proper usage of “your” versus “you’re.”  Also, what the fuck does “totes” mean?  Srsly?  Piss off!

P.P.S. - I just shit in the litter box; go clean it.

Preface

Dear Internets:


I have been the proud pet-parent of Onna, my domestic short-hair cat, ever since I adopted her from a shelter whilst living in Nagoya, Japan.  I have since moved back to the United States, kitty in tow. She was always quite happy being the focus of almost all my attention. She would look at me lovingly when I fed her, meow in response to open-ended questions I might pose aloud, and curl up contentedly next to my pillow, dutifully, every night.


Two months ago I fell in love with an Australian Shepherd/Spitz mix up for adoption on Craigslist (note: I mean that figuratively, not literally; I would never condone zoofilia). She's eight years old, is spunky, always smiles and loves a good belly rub, but due to a familial situation, her previous owners couldn't keep her.  I brought her home and she has added such a loving dynamic to the household.  


But, I have reason to suspect Onna is not as "on board" with the whole dog thing as I am. She has been noticeably distant with me, and often spends her time alone.  This morning I awoke to a crumpled ball of paper striking my head.  I opened what appeared to be a letter to my cat, from my dog.  If that doesn't sound strange enough, next to my pillow was a neatly typed note in Memo format, addressed to me and signed by my cat, apparently in response to said crumpled-projectile-dog-letter.


To be fair, I am subject to flights of fancy, and have been known to indulge in a glass of red with my dinner, but even those can't explain everything.


Sincerely,
Min